Food Network Reject

By: pbcmedia

Jun 24 2008

Tags: , , , , ,

Category: Food, Friends, Life, Random, The Single Life


Focal Length:5.8mm
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Camera:Canon PowerShot SD850 IS

Okay. Here’s why I’ll never be a Food Network Star.

I was making salsa and the recipe called for Tobasco sauce to taste. I found the Worcestershire sauce and took it out. I said out loud, “I think Worcestershire Sauce is the same as Tobasco sauce.” I filled the table spoon thingy and was just about to pore it in to all the fresh ingredients when I read, “Tangy, Robust Meat Marinade”.

Oh. Let me see: I’ve cut up grape tomatoes, scallions, cilantro, garlic, poured in fresh lemon juice, olive oil, white vinegar, seasoned with salt and pepper. No meat whatsoever.

Ok, then. I better keep looking for the Tobasco. I found it. But, I’m not kidding. Had I not found it, I would have taken a chance with the Worcestershire. Returning to the store to buy the correct ingredient? Oh, no. I can be looking at something like these two bottles, side by side, and say genuinely and without guile, “Tobasco is the same as Worcestershire, right?

No wonder people eat before they come to my house for dinner.

You do, don’t lie.

Now, after this story, friends I don’t even know won’t want to come to my house for dinner, either.


©2008 Pat Coakley


9 comments on “Food Network Reject”

  1. Something to remember: these are merely condiments and not science project chemicals. You will not combust, implode, or morph into gelatinous protoplasm if you substitute What’s this Here Sauce for Tabasco.

    You may feel you’re not a cook, but you have the best recipes with words that I’ve ever read!
    And I’d come for dinner anytime.
    To quote Steven Wright, the droll-est comic ever:
    ” I passed a diner that had a sign saying Breakfast Served Anytime, so I ordered eggs from the Renaissance”.

  2. It’s all about whether or not your guests would find out. If they wouldn’t know – go ahead and cheat!!

    Couple of drawbacks to substitution though: Sugar and salt may look the same, but from experience I’ve learnt the guests always notice.

    Similarly with self raising flour and plain flour. You promise someone a birthday cake and they end up with a birthday biscuit. And they don’t react well to being told they’re being picky on their birthday either.

  3. The only thing I use Worchestershire sauce for is my world-famous Chex mix. OMG!!! I’ll send you all a batch around the holidays . . .

  4. Isn’t this exactly the reason why you create imaginary dinners? Risk-free.

  5. Awwww…. you know, these days there are so many “cheats” you no longer need to know how to cook in order to get good food. Just a trip to trader joes, costco, or any of the higher end grocery stores and you will find stuff that is all done for you. It looks good too.

    Poor baby. Tell them its not that you CANT cook.. its that you CHOOSE not to! :)

  6. hee hee! i love to read of your many culinary adventures. i will have to start posting mine as well…like the time i had to have brownies but had no sugar or eggs to make them and substituted sweet and low instead. or the time i tried to make roasted pumpkin seeds and they exploded in the oven…popping like popcorn.

  7. Well, at least you’re honest with your self and others!

    Next time we come down to Beantown, I’ll drop you a note.

    We can all go out to eat!

    Turkish Prawn

  8. I am always substituting things in recipes, and making a lot of my own (depending on what I have in the fridge and the larder at that moment). Guests NEVER find out, but keep asking what is that weird aftertaste they keep getting, which is nice, familiar, but they are unsure. Can’t blame them, I once cooked mutton with ripe bananas. Oh well. Whatever you do, just don’t let them find out.

    My mum-in-law keeps asking me recipes for stuff I feed her, and I always tell her I don’t have a clue:)

  9. Wells just between you and me Tobasco sauce can be a bit overpowering so it makes sense to sauce it down with Worcestershire sauce – I would’ve thought it was meant to be this way… perhaps this is why I to won’t be on any food networks!

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