objects appear when u bend over

Seriously, how does one avoid frightening small children with low or mid rise pants?

Recently, I’ve lost some weight and had to buy some new pants.

I guess it’s been a long time as every pair I tried on, though now the appropriate size, was resting near to my…well ..with no disrespect to plumbers, I love my plumber, but these pants were resting near or in some cases below my plumber’s crack.

I went into Gap, Old Navy, Anthropologie, Ralph Lauren, Nordstrom’s, Wal-Mart.  It’s all the same.

Some tag them “low rise” and I now know that means under no circumstances are you able to bend down to pick up a shiny lucky penny.  You can only walk– no sitting, bending, or even reaching up to the top shelf of your cabinets without scaring the birds out of the trees.

Objects appear people, they simply “pop” up or out or slip into view.

“Mid-rise” means you think you can bend over (unlike the low rise where you simply know for sure that any angling whatsoever is out of the question) but mid-rise, really, if we’re honest?  No, you can’t bend down to pick up your 3 three year old grand-niece without scaring the bejus out of the six year old behind you.

By the time you’ve bent over, the summer breeze (or autumn, winter or spring) is infusing your pant experience and I don’t know about you– but I prefer my air conditioning in other places.

The shopping experience ended this way:

I bought some pants but I then went over to the long shirt and sweater department to complete the look.

You know where the long shirt and sweater department is, don’t you?

Located right next to the  “Dressing for Disgrace” department where you bought the pants.

©Pat Coakey 2009


22 comments on “objects appear when u bend over”

  1. “half off pants” is no discount sales slogan anymore.

  2. Ah, clever boy! That is so true!

  3. You know Pat, I know what you are saying here. I have lost ALOT of weight in my life. My body is um… well lets just say Im built hourglass shaped. So putting on these pants, even though one would consider me height/weight proportionate is well… inappropriate! I look like I should be trying to sell my body on a street corner. It was such a shock to start trying to buy clothes for my “new body”. I thought it would be so much fun, and it ended up to be kinda stressful and overwhelming.

    I find even the skinniest women don’t look great in these jeans either. They hang too low and make you look like you have love handles, even if you don’t! How depressing is that!

    JC Pennys and Sears still sell what would be termed as Mom jeans. Lee jeans has a line… sorry…

  4. Try Joe’s Jeans. They have many higher cut versions that are fab.

  5. Well done, Pat! For those of us who struggle with womanly curves, weight loss is to be congratulated. I sympathise with the low rise mid rise whatever rise shopping issue. When you find the right pair, buy 6 in different colours. Then again, you’ll probably end up dropping more pounds so maybe 2 pairs is a better idea.

    • Epic, if I ate out as much as you and Monsieur, I’m not sure what size I’d be looking for but I feel pretty sure it would have an elastic waist!!

  6. In Australia we have a nick name for what you refer to as “plumber’s crack”, we call it the “coin slot”.

    Some fashions seem so ridiculous and what is even more stupid is the manufactureres who forget how large the senior population is (in the amount of peole that is) and fail to cater to them.

    • “Coin slot”! Now, that is the best way to describe it, Razz! It’s now going to be my preferred phrase whenever viewed in New England. Good thing you clarified what you meant by the “large” senior population!! O, laughed at that. Happy trails.

  7. congrats on your weight losing. awesome. don’t buy mom jeans if you can help it. crack o’ no crack.

  8. Now, Renee, you are young thing and I know it seems like a mortal sin but c’mon…if you buy the right size, you can’t really bend down without your underwear peeping out (at best!) and if you lose a pound, then they start falling down on their own even while you are standing up AND if you gain a pound it looks like you’ve gained a muffin top around your hips. So, this makes me look a lot more kindly on “mom” jeans than you stylish girls might approve of!!

  9. Dear Cousin,
    Just one thing, would you please call me the next time you want to buy a pair of pants? That is my specialty you know. I have pants with short rises and medium rises and long rises. I have them with waist bands and no waist bands, belt loops and no belt loops. I have them with elastic waist bands. I have them in cotton stretch and drapey polyester. I have the long shirts too BTW. I just bought a shopping cart for the website which will be up and running the first of November and I can put some of my best sellers up there for you.
    I know how the pants fit that I buy for the store. That’s my job. I would like you to come down and spend a weekend and try them all on in the shop…but…I can also send you what I think will fit!

    • Ok, cousin!! When I reach the end of this trimming business, I’ll let you loose, OK? I’d much prefer someone who knows how to shop anyway!! This is not my strong point as you know!

  10. Oh Pat, you make me laugh! I like razz’s “coin slot”… But the impact of youthful fashion changes on those of us who do not resupply very often is serious. My last adventure was in the world of blue jeans, where the most popular items were so baggy the legs were big enough to fit two people and a shotgun in each. Maybe we need to watch more TV so we won’t be so surprised…
    Fabulous image, by the way!

  11. Oh, Don, if I tried to pack my shotgun into these pants as well as my coin slot, well…the shotgun would go off for sure and I’d either be without a leg or a head depending on how I packed it in the first place. Makes me laugh, though, thinking about packin’ a shot gun and two people in a pant leg!

  12. Imagine trying to shop for a nearly 12 year old that DOESN’T fit the Avril Lavange/Miley Cyrus mold. Just as hard as shopping for decent jeans for myself sometimes.

    • No, I really hadn’t even thought of THAT, arynsmom! Seriously, I am finding that the one with tolerable waists are more expensive as well!

  13. Hi there. I know where you are coming from. Try Chico’s they have higher waist jeans with elastic to stretch alittle and they look very fashionable.
    You look great by the way.

  14. Pat, this subject so tickled me… I was discussing it with my friend who is a playwright. Yes, your buttcrack! Anyway, he writes plays for the elderly… and he thought this was a hilarious topic… you might just be an inspiration for his next play!!!

    • Oh, great, Amber!

      Girl, talk about a hilarious topic….”when I grow up I wanna be an inspiration to a playwright for the elderly…”


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