A Day of Baking AKA Sticky Buns Ha Ha

No, I’m not kidding.

My day of baking could only have improved if all the utilities had been cut off BEFORE I started baking.

I would have liked to have photographed my first attempt at “Sticky Buns” dough but I could not extricate my hands from it.  I think I invented a new spin on “tacky”, apparently a baking term to describe dough that is sticky.

Sticky?   O, yeah.  I thought I was making dough but it was quick sand.   I could not for the life of me get the thing into a ball unless I had rolled myself on the kitchen floor first.

That is how bad it was and that was only round one.

After immersing my hands in hot water to get it off, I noticed it was enlarging.  O, yeast, for God’s sake, don’t you have the sense to click off “rising” in the face of incompetence?

Second attempt?  Forgot the salt.  Or, did I?  I couldn’t remember so I simply threw everything out before it got to the stand mixer.

Third attempt?  Got it into the stand mixer thinking, “Ok…so far so good.  It looks like the video.”

Yes, guilty as charged.  I had tried yet another America’s Test Kitchen “FREE” videos. Regular readers will remember my white chicken chili video experience that involved my hands bursting into flames from contact with jalapeno juices.  I swear to you this is my very last America’s Test Kitchen FREE video and recipe.  You gets what you you pay for.

So, third attempt.

In the stand mixer, rotating around on that dough hook (the first time I’d ever used the attachment and I’ve had the mixer for 10 years) and it’s looking moist but has a round shape.  Ok.  So, 10 minutes later I get it out of the bowl and it leaves my hands without a blow torch.  Ah, progress!

I roll it into a ball and put it in a cannister and cover it with plastic wrap and put it in a warm, non drafty spot.  I wait two and half hours for it to double in size.  Three and half hours to double in size.  After four and half hours I have to face facts: the thing hasn’t doubled, in fact, it hasn’t gotten bigger at all.

F it.  I said.  I’m using it anyway.  I can’t have spent all this time for nothing.

People.  People.  People.

If you are anywhere near my nephew’s house tomorrow, do drop in cuz I’m bringing this lake of caramel with the occasional stepping stone of bun and toasted pecan as performance art.  It’s in the freezer now because I didn’t want it’s total horror to diminish in any way before showing it off.

Do you know how difficult it is to ruin caramel sauce?

I’m making the video the next time.  I’ll make a fortune.  It’ll go viral like Susan Boyle.

But, despite my new wealth from cooking gone wrong videos (At PlanetRoss’ suggestion I just started “The Bad Chef” I’m not kidding), I am still not going to  pay my utility bill the month before Thanksgiving.

©Pat Coakley 2009


16 comments on “A Day of Baking AKA Sticky Buns Ha Ha”

  1. I never actually plan on eating anything I make … I hate disappointment.

    It’s a lucky break when things turn out though.

    There should be a “bad chef” video series that highlights what most people will probably do wrong … and what the end result will be.

    I give that one to you free of charge. hee hee!

    Run wild!

    • Ross! I’m taking this free of charge idea and running with it! No kidding. It’s perfect for me. I just have to figure out a way to film myself in a kitchen that isn’t large enough for a table AND a bad chef, too! Thanks!

    • Ok Ross! While waiting for the second batch of dough to rise…four hours and counting now, I created “The Bad Chef”: http://thebadchef.wordpress.com. It’s going to be all video for the holiday season of baking! So far, one episode but two is a tour of my disastrous kitchen which should make any cook feel superior!

  2. I once tried to make popovers using a much-loved family recipe. Only the bins at the house I was trying it in weren’t labeled. So I used powdered sugar instead of flour.

    Black hockey pucks.

    Embarrassing . . .

  3. It’s the fraught that counts.
    And you sound like you’re well qualified. Cooking can be fudged, faked, camouflaged, altered, but baking? It’s science.
    If it isn’t a little bit right it’s all wrong.

    Your confections are right here on SFAR.
    Happy Thanksgiving Pat.

    • You are right, it’s a science, no freewheeling aloud or allowed. And, do you know I am trying again TODAY with a new recipe? Persistence is related to science, right? Happy Thanksgiving to you, Bon Bon! Grateful for you!

  4. Im smiling. You make me laugh. :) Bonnie Luria is right baking is an art and a science. Especially when you want to impress.

    And listen, you can’t do EVERYTHING perfectly. :)

    Happy thanksgiving!

  5. Ha! This made me laugh!

    • Oh, trust me, Vesper de Vil, the video on this would make you fall over, if only I had one…the first installment of “The Bad Chef”.

  6. Oh, you made me laugh for Thanksgiving! Thank you very much. Your experience reminds me why I NEVER try to bake. Now my wife has an aboslutely foolproof bread recipe that just can’t be ruined. It’s only 4 pages long… Would you like the free video??

    • Always happy to create a smile, Don. The looks I’m gonna get tomorrow and try to pass this thing off as sticky buns will contain no smiles. 4 pages? Yup, this is why I’m never going to execute these things properly. I’m the type of girl who when purchasing a new gizmo or technology product, or software or anything…starts in the middle of the manual…figuring “Oh, I know all the beginner stuff!” Oi.

  7. ha ha you didnt, yeah you did. bravo! that means brave and rave and oh!
    “sticky buns are surely proof of heaven” have a wonderful thanksgiving and thanks for giving!

    • Hey, Tipota! We know our sticky buns from Flour Cafe!! That was my goal. O, sweet Jesus.
      I have taken planetross’s suggestion and started “The Bad Chef”. I have just filmed the first episode of giving this sticky buns thing another go. I am not kidding. I made cement again!!

  8. Hang in there.
    Practice, practice, practice.
    I like your picture better than any caramel anyway.

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