Dear Bread People

By: pbcmedia

Apr 11 2008

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Category: corporations, Culture, Food, Green, Life, The Single Life, writing


Focal Length:5.8mm
Shutter:1/0 sec
Camera:Canon PowerShot SD850 IS

Dear Bread People,

What is wrong with you? Making bread is what you do.

What do I do? I eat bread. And, up until recently I ate your bread, in particular, your rosemary onion focaccia bread.

But, yesterday, I was told that you don’t make rosemary onion focaccia anymore. The counter girl told me this, and I do mean “girl”—do you hire children who should be in elementary school instead of at your cash register? Anyway, this fourth grader told me you have a “new” focaccia that is “healthier” for me.

What business is it of yours whether I’m healthy or not?? If that were a priority, I wouldn’t be coming to a bread store in the first place. Look around, bread people! Obesity is all the rage. Your customers are not size two. If we could be healthy, we would be. We’ve all collectively given up our seat on that miserable train, including your manager by the way—I ran into him at Bob’s Big Boy shop.

Your new “healthier” focaccia tastes like cardboard. I could toast the next box from UPS for the same texture and flavor. Come to think of it—there’s a delivery scheduled for tomorrow.

This is what is wrong with America. Wagging fingers everywhere. I fear a galactic smackdown is coming to nations of finger-waggers. It’s simple: righteousness doesn’t taste good nor contribute to world peace, OK?

May I suggest you get into “greening” your company instead of messing with my Portobello & Mozzarella sandwich bread? If you absolutely want a corporate clean conscience, couldn’t you hire an environmental consultant instead of that dreary dietician? I’m sure baking bread contributes to those nasty green house gases one way or another. You wouldn’t be angering loyal customers and losing our money if you were lessening your carbon footprint by managing electrical energy more efficiently or exploring alternative refrigerants. Did Al Gore take the low-fat highway to the Nobel Prize? Case closed.

In conclusion, let me make one last suggestion: If you don’t want to go “green” with your corporate kitchens, couldn’t Bread People at least think a little more like Big Tobacco people? Their product has warning labels on each pack: “according to the Surgeon General of the United States of America, tobacco causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and may complicate pregnancy”—and, still, world-wide demand for it is growing! Think about it. You could actually increase profits and demand for your product by labeling it: “WARNING! PRODUCES FAT PEOPLE.”

Fire all finger-waggers pronto and hire people who smoke. They’ll know how to market health risks and increase market share.

Very sincerely,

Pat Coakley

8 comments on “Dear Bread People”

  1. You go sister! I absolutely loved loved loved your letter! Brilliant!

    I wish more people had your wit when complaining!

  2. Thank you, amberinfireinus! The older I get, the more complaints I have! I looked at your site–it’s beautiful. Cheers.

  3. Thank you for looking at my site. Older = wiser and therefore you know your stuff.

    I have stood in computer stores to have some snot nosed child in their arrogance try to tell me (the poor stupid woman that I must be) about what computer or software that I should buy. I stand there politely letting them go through their entire sales thing all the while treating me like a dumb blonde woman. Little do they know… Even worse when I see them trying to do this with my husband – who heads a multi-billion dollar computer based company.

    Then I tell them what it is that I want in great detail, the fine specs of the product leaving them no doubt that I understand the product far more thoroughly than they themselves do.

    Arrogance is quite astounding isn’t it? They presume to know what you need and want!

  4. I don’t know which I am laughing at more at the true brilliance of that amazing letter or the comments… both have made my day!

  5. Thanks for visiting, SanityFound. I’m going to your site later today because if you’ve found sanity, I’m in need of it. I’m reduced to taking photographs of sticks on the road and thinking of superdelegates (my latest blog entry) so clearly I’m in need of a little help!

    Thanks again for taking the time to comment.


  6. Just between you and me, insanity was taken so I was forced to to accept the sanity that was available… much to my distress of course!

    *breathes* phew I am not the only one who takes photos of sticks

  7. That was priceless. Next time I want to rant about something, say my local gaming store’s decision to discontinue Friday Night Dungeons & Dragons, I am going to hire you and let you have at ’em.

    And I hope someone read your letter. They probably didn’t agree, and still don’t make your bread, but they had to have at least let out an uncomfortable chuckle.


  8. Yeah, some companies just don’t get what it means to be consumer friendly. Replacing an established bread with another without even testing the market to see if it good is just dumb, and then basically saying its for your own good is just crazy. Maybe they will see their error and switch back.

    Reminds me of when the classic coke was switched to new coke. They said we would like it better :)

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